Your loved one has come home from a month long stay at rehabilitation facility. You may feel unsure of how to act or what to do now that they are sober and back home. Do you help them with their schedules i.e. work, alcoholic support group meetings, therapist appointments etc.? Do you leave them alone, if so, when is good time to leave them alone and when is it not? You want to help them stay sober and you will do anything to make sure they stay sober. But what do you do?
One misconception about the newly sobered alcoholic or drug addict is that they need to still be taken care of and can’t fend for themselves. Maybe it’s been years since they have been able to take care of themselves and be self sufficient. This introduces a dilemma not only to your loved one, who is trying to stay sober, but for you too.
Over the years, you may have both developed a dependence upon each other and probably not a healthy one. They have depended on you for emotional, financial and at times possibly physical support and possibly you have become dependent on their dependence. They have leaned on you for years and you have taken up the slack for both yourself and them. Now that they are sober, you may feel a sense of abandonment. The relationship has changed completely.
Now for some of you, this may be an immense relief. For others, it may be a change that will require some getting used to. Your loved one will need you just as much now as they did when they were drinking and drugging but in a completely different way. They have been reawakened into a new life without drugs or alcohol and are able now to make decisions on their own. In a sense, they have grown up over night. They went away a mess and have come back healthy, happy and ready to live life.
You may find yourself feeling various emotions that your loved one is better now but has done it without your help. It is normal to feel this way. You have probably tried with every ounce of strength to help them, spending your time, your patience and your love, and now they come back home the way you wanted all this time. You may be saying to yourself, Where did I go wrong? What did they do that I didn’t? Wasn’t my love enough?
Actually, if you think about it, if it wasn’t for you more than likely your loved one would be homeless, in jail or dead. You did what you knew to do and you did it the best way you could. You helped where no one else could. And now, your loved one is around people who can help them stay sober. This doesn’t mean that you are no longer needed. Now that they are sober and continuing aftercare, you both can now look each other in the eye and be on equal terms. It is different and will take some getting used to but in the long run, it will be the best thing that has ever happened to your relationship.
Some things you can expect to happen once they come home is a mixture of things. They will still be experiencing the new life of sobriety and may not know exactly how to handle some situations or issues. It is best if you don’t pressure them into trying to solve everything overnight. It will take time and yes, more of your patience and love. You may feel anxious to have some old issues resolved now that your loved one is cleared eyed and aware. You may feel that now is best time to make your approach but that may or may not be the case. Depending on your situation, you should think through whether or not your loved one will feel overwhelmed. Remember, they are still getting acquainted with their emotions and surroundings. Everything is still new to them so when approaching them try to keep these things in mind.
There is no need for you to feel that you should skirt issues, baby them or protect them from getting hurt emotionally. Doing this will deny them any opportunity to learn and grow in sobriety which will be a detriment to them later on. They will make mistakes but this doesn’t necessarily mean they are going to relapse. They may get irritable, angry, depressed but as long as they are continuing their aftercare, they will pull through and stay sober. Allow them space if they need it even though you may still feel the need to take care of them. It may be a struggle for you to relearn your relationship with them but it will be better in the long run.
As is has been suggested to them, you can take it one day at a time also. In the beginning, every other day in recovery may be different for them. One day they’re up, the next they’re down. Over time this will level out. Help where you can if you are willing to. Overall, enjoy the newfound life the both of you have found in recovery.
If you would like more information on alcohol and drug addiction, you can find it here: Alcohol Rehab.
Patrick McLemore is a recovering alcoholic and addict. Patrick has worked with the Manor House Recovery Center for the last two years providing guidance to numerous recovering alcoholics and addicts.
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